The real question is: Where is he taking your life?
It’s been a while since I wrote something. I know I promised to write about relationships, so here we go. It usually takes me a while to put everything together. Sometimes I have the idea, but don’t have all the pieces to the puzzle. Everything that I write about is inspired by life: what I’ve learned from other people or experienced. I don’t consider myself a life expert who knows it all. I think we’re all in different ways trying to figure out life. No one has it all figured out. I just share what I’ve learned with other women. If you disagree with anything I say or want me to elaborate on something, comment or dm me. I’ll be more than happy to respond. On to the topic ...
Relationships is a trending topic now, especially on social media. Everyone desires to have that one person who knows every good and bad thing about them and still loves them the same. Young people are so focused on finding their significant other. Young girls are concerned about being “wifey materials” to guys who don’t even care about them. It’s no wonder boys nowadays feel so entitled. You meet a guy today and the next day he wants to come over to your place, eat your food, sleep on your bed and basically move in and act like the man of the house. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t pay for anything. When did this become okay? For some reason, most women are okay with it. They post those men on social media with captions like “cooked for my king.” No wonder women don’t get much respect from men nowadays. They complain but still give those men the treatment they don’t deserve. The first way to get respect from men, is to stop treating average men like kings. They’re not kings. Make them work for that title. Make them earn your respect. Stop giving participation medals, make them work for the medals. I don’t think I want to marry let alone date anyone I have no respect for. I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married in the future, and when I do get married I want to honor God in my marriage. But there is no way I’m giving that away to just anyone.
I was listening to TD Jakes one day and he said something that really caught my attention. He said, “You can take away my car, I can get a new one. You can take my house, I can replace that. But when you take my time, you take something from me that’s completely irreplaceable.” Time is something that you can never replace, yet women are so generous with their time when it comes to men. The second way to earn respect from them is make them earn your time and effort. It doesn’t take that long to figure out whether or not he’s worth your time. Ask him questions. Your time is your most valuable asset. Spend your time working on yourself and building yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being single. Make him give you a reason to “talk” to him. Ask him as many questions as possible and figure out if he’s worthy of your time before you get involved emotionally. Be stingy with your time.
I don’t think God puts two people together just to have sex, make babies, and then live happily ever after. God has a purpose for everything, even marriage. God puts two people together for a reason. You should always take that into consideration even when you’re dating. The purpose of dating is to find someone to do life with, a partner, someone you can work with to fulfil your purpose. The Bible uses the term “equally yoked.” Most successful marriages that I’ve seen and admire are of two people with one goal working together to attain that goal. A great example is the Obamas, my favorite couple. I don’t even need to elaborate on that. Your relationship shouldn’t change who you are as a person. It shouldn’t make you question your beliefs. You shouldn’t have to compromise anything that is important to you. Compromising will only make things harder on you when serious issues come up. If he doesn’t respect what you care about, then he’s not the one. If he’s trying to change you, he’s not the one. If he’s not lifting you up and supporting you, then let him go. Ask yourself if you can work with him. Anybody who’s in your team should be working together with you to make sure your team wins. You don’t want to give your whole life or even just one minute of your life to someone who claims to be in your team but is not playing hard for your team. Even at work people like that get fired.
One day I was working with an old couple. While I was checking them out the woman decided to walk away to look at something. Then her husband started telling me how lucky he was to have her and how much he loved her. Then I started asking him questions like: how long they had been together, how they met, their secret of staying married for so long, etc. Shortly after, his wife joined us again. “He was just telling me how awesome you are,” I told her smiling. Then she responded “Yea, and I do intend to keep him.” After being married for so long, they were still so much in love.” I want that kind of love,” I thought to myself. This brings me to my next point. You learn best from the people who have been to where you are trying to go. If you are seriously considering being with someone, get an older couple to mentor you guys. Also find other new couples that you can grow with. Find a community with people you trust and get involved in that community. This will help you have a great relationship without idolizing the relationship. I’ve learned that from being a part of Focus. If he’s not willing to grow with you, then he’s not the one. If he’s keeping you a secret, that’s not a relationship. If he wants to be with you but “isn’t ready for anything serious”, run. That’s his way of telling you that he wants to only waste your time. Don’t be a lowkey girlfriend who plays all the wifey roles. Date someone who’s willing to experience life with you and grow with you.
When I was younger, and by this, I mean a few months ago, I fantasized about being in a serious relationship or getting married. I remember I would talk to my friend Ashley about how I couldn’t wait to plan my man’s birthdays, surprise him, travel with him etc. That fantasy has now turned into a fear. I don’t want to join my life with anybody I cannot be myself with. I would rather be alone than be with anyone who’s always out looking for my weakness so he can put me down. I’d rather be alone than be with anyone I can’t be vulnerable with. I’d rather be alone than be with someone I don’t trust. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who says he loves Christ, yet nothing in his life reflects his love for Christ. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t respect my beliefs. I would rather be alone than be with anyone who is always looking to manipulate my way of thinking. I’d rather be alone than spend my life with anyone who doesn’t care about what’s hurting me. I would rather be alone, because the thought of spending the rest of my life with anyone who has any of those characters scares me. When I say scares me I mean that is like my biggest phobia right now. And for that reason, I am willing to wait on that. This brings me to my last point, wait. Work on yourself and build your empire while you wait. If you think maybe you’ve met the one, take things slow. Make him go at your pace and not his. If your pace is too slow for him then let him go. Get to know him, before you invite him over. Do your research ?. (every female knows what I’m talking about) Make sure his vision matches yours. Question him and if you figure out that he’s not worth your time move on.
If you really value yourself and you really think you’re the shit the way you post on Instagram, then you will not for one second waste any of your energy on any guy who isn’t adding any value to your life. Stop making excuses for him. I’m sure his mama thinks he’s not a bad person too. The real question is: Where is he taking your life???